The Physics of Santa - another view
Jacob Gordon forwarded this response to "The
Physics of Santa". It involves concepts not covered until Physics
201 (Modern Physics), but I thought you might appreciate it
anyway...
THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS
An earlier circulation made some erroneous
assumptions leading to a totally fatuous argument concerning the
possibility of the existence of
Santa Claus. The authors of the document place all their trust in
classical mechanics and show a woeful ignorance of any Santum effects
deriving from the wave-nature of Santa.
The analysis you sent me about the death of Santa Claus, based on
classical physics, is seriously flawed owing to its neglect of
quantum phenomena that become significant in his particular case. As
it happens, the terminal velocity of a reindeer in dry December air
over the Northern Hemisphere (for example) is known with tremendous
precision. The mass of Santa and his sleigh (since the number of
children and their gifts is also known precisely, ahead of time, and
the reindeer must weigh in minutes before the flight) is also known
with tremendous precision. His direction of flight is, as you say,
essentially east to west.
All of that, when taken together, means that the momentum vector of Mr
Claus and his cargo is known with incredible precision. An elementary
application of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle yields the result
that Santa's location, at any given moment on Christmas Eve, is highly
imprecise. In other words, he is "smeared out" over the surface of the
earth, analogous to the manner in which an electron is "smeared out"
within a certain distance from the nucleus in an atom. Thus he can,
quite literally, be everywhere at any given moment.
In addition, the relativistic velocities which his reindeer can attain
for brief moments make it possible for him, in certain cases, to arrive
at some locations shortly before he left the North Pole. Santa, in
other words, assumes for brief periods the characteristics of tachyons.
I will admit that tachyons remain hypothetical, but then so do black
holes, and who really doubts their existence anymore?
Wave Theory
Any impartial observer will note that as soon as consideration
is given to the theory, two very significant features become
immediately evident. We are confident with some certainty of the high
kinetic energy of the particle (i.e., santum) and hence have little
confidence in the spatial position of the santum. Yes, santum is a
wave and not localised to one volume of space. Anyone familiar with
wave theory will have encountered tunnelling effects (e.g., electron
tunnelling). The phenomenon in the santum effect is more correctly
termed "the chimney effect". Hence the santum particle may appear to
penetrate walls, enter and escape from locked rooms, etc.
You may well ask what evidence there is to support the theory and
of course at this moment scientists are agreed that it is tenuous
and circumstantial. The bulk of evidence comes through attempted
observations of Santa which invariably give readings in the red region
of the visible spectra due to red shift. As you wilI be aware nearly
all sightings of Santa have been reported as having red associations.
Proof of the Pudding
It has been clear for some time that work needs to be done
substantiating the theory. A major research project is underway
currently. A team at the University of Greenwich has landed a plum
contract to enable them to investigate the phenomenon over the festive
season. Based at the Thames barrier, a diffraction grating is being
erected to show the wave nature of Santum. The grating will consist of
a giant array of Christmas puddings. Continuous monitoring over the
festive season should provide the evidence we seek.
The Future
Answering one question will open the door to further questions:
- How can tonnes of non-santa material be inter-converted and
travel as a wave?
- Will this lead to a practical form of space travel?
[One note of caution to those stimulated to any theoretical
calculations involving this phenomenon .... the SI unit you should
use is the kSa (kilosanta) not the Sa as you might have expected.
You may also find it convenient to use the non-Si unit of red
shift the Rudolf]
Physics 101
Resources
Physics 101
College of William and Mary
Dept. of Physics
armd@physics.wm.edu
last updated: Dec. 17 1997